Written 19th March 2010

March 18th, yesterday was our 2nd year. It's sad that we are apart and its another 5 months before I see him again. That is, if he visits by August. For the months we've been together, all I can say is relationship is smooth. I am now confident for his love and care for me, especially with this decision I made. We are trying to keep up with this long distance relationship, the adjustment was so abrupt. I cry at night when I missed him and Pino. Though, im getting a strong support here with my family and friends but there's a hole in my heart with his absence. My heart belongs to him as I feel being loved and respected . I'm holding on as what he told me even though I don't have idea of the plans. Today he left for holiday in his country and it makes me more sad and the more I will miss him. We survived each day with calls or chats. Somehow we have updated each other's day to day activities. I'm looking forward for another year and hopefully more years to come. I hope we both grow and be happier in this relationship.

Just got back from my vacation spree in Luzon (Manila & Baguio) last Mar 11-18. Enjoyed my Baguio trip with Paula. We managed to visit the attractions all by ourselves and we just loved the cool weather! About 7-10 degrees off from Manila's temperature. I also visited my godmother and a long time friend from PS in Cavite; strolled around Ortigas and Cubao. Life there is pretty hectic and yes costly. I still loved my hometown and glad to be back home the other night.

Next week I'll be visiting my sis in Mindanao. Attending my niece's graduation and spending the holy week. After this trip I have to prepare myself for the job. I hope all my requirements are ok, I will wait for their call for confirmation.

Tonight we have some girl's night out fun at Rica's place. Yipee!

To end my job hunting episode, I decided to sign up for the 1^st company. Unfortunately, the second company did not reconsider my application for some reasons.  The company which I was aiming, did not call me.  As one of my peer’s advised the job selection process takes a longer time. For the past few days I fulfilled the requirements needed. I am almost complete except the job certification from my previous jobs. I’ll pass the documents tomorrow and fill in the promissory note for the certification, to be submitted by a few weeks after. Most probably before my start date which is the 12^th of April. Salary is just above the average + allowances. Well I guess I have to be a performer to get more incentives and probably commissions.

The day after tomorrow I will be in Manila to visit some friends and looking forward to a trip to Baguio.  Seems that cash flows are frequent these days and this trip costs a bit more. But somehow I will manage till next month since beau promised some remittances.

What about business? Went to a retailer shop and inquired some items. I took some photos of the dresses and if agreed by my friend I will be shipping them out. Also one of my close friends took the consideration of doing business with me.  Hopefully for added income.

Still more things to do: price canvas for material costs for the house interior finishing + furnishing, design and layout of the house, calculation of expenses for moving in and other related installation…etc…

Then I have to set my mind back to the call center job. Though I will have training for 2-4 months before I start live. Account is quite difficult which requires troubleshooting and upselling. Oh well I just have to deal with this and enjoy work.

Taking some steps after the big leap….

According to my plan, ] I started looking for jobs this week, the 1^st day of March.  As my peers suggestion I walked in to one of the "largest" call center in the city, which was our competitor while I was working in the same industry 4 years ago.  I took my resume, asked for application form and confidently sat among the several applicants.  All along I thought I will only submit the documents and wait for a phone call for examinations and interview. My brain was not set for intellectual battle. Nevertheless I completed the extensive exam and I was told that they call me for the final interview schedule.  Yes I passed the exams.  Later that night I received a call that I was scheduled for final interview at 3:30 PM the following day.  Good Job! Yet awfully drained last night.

Woke up late this morning and I conditioned myself for the interview.  This morning, I received an SMS from another company inviting me for a personal interview tomorrow. Great! I noted all my schedules. So, came the final interview which I did great.  With previous experience I have anticipated the questions. And yes! got accepted for the job. However I failed to ask for the offer, which will the basis of my decision.  Probably I was overwhelmed.  Since job contract expires in a day, I managed to negotiate to give me a few days before deciding and I have till Friday. So tomorrow I'll check this company on what they can offer.

But I was expecting of another company to contact me.  As I checked my application online it's still not processed. I don't know if I should wait, what could be my chances? Oh well I should be thankful for this.  In just 2 days there is already an offer and maybe another one tomorrow. I'll just have to make the most out of it.  This might be a temporary job, I might be leaving after a few months.

Happy Job Shopping!

Written Feb 28, 2010

Friday night, Feb 26, off to Carcar province for an overnight stay a Rica’s place.  At 6am the following day, we started the roadtrip to Moalboal beach with Nini on the wheels.  Blue, crystal clear waters and white fine sand greeted us.  We found a cottage then started our explorations and photography . It is a very enjoyable outing for the three of us.  I really love the beach, so relaxing and it always de-stresses me; the scent of sea breeze, fresh wind blowing and the scenery.  We swim into the clear waters then feast with our food.  We ended at noontime and decided to stop in nearby provinces. It was indeed a fun weekend and I doze off to sleep before 11 pm.

What’s my plan now? I’m here for more than a week.  It’s so difficult to stop the daily expenses. Money keeps flowing out from my hands.  Especially with mom’s medicines, daily fares and etc, etc.  My target is to start working by April.  This week, I will submit applications to call center companies.  I will be in Manila 2^nd week of March then to my sister’s place by end of March till the Holy week.  Hopefully by the time I get back here I can start the job.  I did not receive any offer from my Singapore applications.  I’ll just keep on applying online.  Who knows? As for my plan for further study, I eliminated it since university is not offering it.  If only there will be special classes I’ll grab the chance.  I’m planning to take driving lessons. I will be inquiring schools tomorrow.

Went to the house site the other day, house is almost finish in fact construction is on progress.  As per schedule, it will be completed by April then after approval, it can be turned over by May. Oh my, I have balance equity payments for 14 months which means on a monthly basis I will pay together the amortization.  The only solution now is to negotiate this with him and a few sums for my mom’s meds.  Good thing I have saved up for the cost of interior finishing.  Now I need quotation for material cost and I need to purchase some furnishings.  I hope I can work all these within my budget. 

I can’t stay for long here considering the finances.  So I’m getting out of here once I get an adequate offer. I wish myself luck for the job hunt!

I land safely in my beloved soil last Thursday, Feb  18, 2010 around 3pm.  Leaving Doha consisted of mixed emotions: the pain of separation from my beau and also baby pino, then a feeling of liberation from work.  I sobbed as I kissed and hugged my baby pino, I cant forget the lonely look of his face. It gave me a sharp pain in my heart. Then my beau whom I am inseparable with for almost 2 years, except when we go for holidays in our country but there is a definite coming back.  Unlike now…we don’t know when we see each other again.  As we talked every night he promised by August either he comes here or I go back there.

The last day of worked ended Monday, Feb 15, just half day work; all morning I turned over my tasks.  What a relief as I stepped out of the edifice.  Though I can still go back to work in 2 weeks, my mind was certain that there is no return in the same company.  As soon the plane took off I felt the freedom which I desired for quite some time.  Though so uncertain what’s next but there is happiness from within.

I sought God’s guidance for my decision.  I hope I heard his voice correctly.  Today I emailed my resignation to finally conclude the Doha career, which my boss accepted but a bit angry.  The job is still open in case I come back. But why should i? This is moving on….

Thank God! The big leap is now happening! As I recalled from my writings, this is what I wished for last year and I prayed for a peaceful exit.  Both happened.  Now im facing the next big job, my career. I am applying for Singapore but with the pool of applicants there’s so much competition.  While I continue to pursue this, I am willing to take a fall back from the call center life or any related industry here with above average pay.  Monthly finance is an issue. I’m getting beau’s support and I still have some cash saved.  I’m giving myself till April to start working.  I’m grateful he is taking care of my house equity.  Hopefully before June we can move in and there is so much stuff to prepare; the interior finishing then the furnishings and etc, etc.

While still unemployed, I have itineraries set to refresh myself.  This Saturday, beach trip with my close friends, Manila on the 2^nd week of March then finally 4^th week of March till Holy week at my sister’s place in Bukidnon.

My mom is a bit ok.  The only thing she needs is to take care more of herself.  Her sickness is caused by the kind of food intake, most of the time she is so stubborn.  I hope she will have more discipline.

So this is it! Things will be ok. I will just keep on hanging on and do my part.  I have to be strong not to be let down with situations.  Now, I start believing that it will be granted what is best for me.  May the positive energies attract me for all the days to come.

Written today

Tonight is the last night in Doha.  At this time tomorrow i am on board going home.  Out of the blue, i decided to end my career. Though I did not resign yet, I dont want to come back to the same company.  This I thought was our decision, as he assured me that things will be ok.  I am scared of this move, yet there is assurance that 'm going to get some support for the meantime.  I dont have a concrete plan yet. I need to check the medical condition of my mom and myself when i get home. Then I need a spiritual enlightenment of what I should do.

So many possibilities surfaced.  I contacted my previous supervisor now a manager in a large firm. I'm glad she agreed to meet me. I can fall off to the callcenter industry. But reality speaks salary is not enough.  I was thinking to venture out in Singapore, and i have several online applications. But I'll never know the chances ,what if no offers.  He may get transferred in another country and I might come along. Probably next year.

Tonight we should be spending it right, making it memorable since we dont know when we shall see each other again.  But its a disaster night. I cant sleep. So im blogging now to release the tensions in me.  I delayed the post because for sure I cant keep my emotional side while Im writing.  Yet all these feelings i need to release them.

What has caused this disaster?  To make it sure he pledge to assist me in my house's equity payment, and that's it.  It hurt me so much coz i thought it would be more. I will be financially tied up esp wth my mom's heart condition. Aside from medication she will have further tests. What else? Our daily maintenance: food, rent for current shelter etc.  I dont want him to shoulder everything, but a little more.  My head is spinning now and my heart aches. How can i support this? If only things will be positive when i get back i dont have to worry much. And if it doesn't? Part of it would lead me coming back to the job now. Which must be a big NO. Oh my I hope i dont.

He doesnt want me to sob. But he doesnt know what Im going thru. And I cant say that his support is too little. Im so tired of crying. I still want to but only few tears flow. I cried as much as I can earlier. Now, as much as i want to rest and enjoy this comfortable abode for the last time, its not going to happen tonight. I got out of bed because i find it hard breathing. There's so much anxiety in me.  There's no stopping now. I'm taking the flight tomorrow and only God knows what happens next.  Trust me im so worried and scared right now.  I just want things to be ok esp for my mom, And i feel so sorry if I could not provide well...

Written today

It was a really stressful week. I almost ended this career and pack my bags to return home. But for some reasons i continued to hold on as much as i can.  My health is showing signs of psychological stress.  My palpitations keep coming back every time i think and go to work.  This is the ultimate sign, when it continues to persist i really have to get moving...

One night when i had my crying session, venting to a very close friend of mine online. He suddenly made plans for a weekend dinner.  I have to say yes out loud while tears are running down my cheeks and suppresing my sobs.  He also suggested that I should get a schengen visa so that we can go somewhere. And the latter made me surprise.  Getting an approval is so difficult especially from third world nations. I asked a friend of mine who had a recent trip in Europe.  She gave me a comprehensive requirements for the application.  Lucky me if I get a 5 day approval just like hers.  He said he can guarantee me and this is something I have to check.

Dont be too excited.  I said to myself.  With his work schedule, what are the chances for trips? We were not able to make short trips in neighboring country.  This may be a 2 year plan.  So il save this to my memory bank. Let me confirm how serious he is then in the following days il start the paper trail of requirements.

I just like to express how greatful i am for his gesture.  He made my weekend so relaxing.  Last thursday night, a sumptuous dinner at an Indian Resto from one of the hotels. This afternoon i had a relaxing massage at a Thai center.  He prepared a grilled dinner tonight and invited some friends. 

And...a work week to look forward to since my boss is out of the country! No worries going to work.

Thank God for making this possible. I know that He hears me.

Time to sleep. Goodnight!

Written today.

It was such a huge relief that the work week ended last night, but i was totally exhausted as i am alone at the office. Such a hell of a week!

Today i tried to relax but my thoughts are swirling with the work situation.  Events kept playing in my head and as i checked the clock the rest day is becoming shorter. Another week starts tomorrow and the usual battles start.  Grrr....its consuming me everytime.  I try to push back these thoughts and practice the SECRET, but i couldn't.  To anyone i talked online i always mention how burned out I am. Oh please i hope I will have a better week.

I saw one of my closest friend who just arrived from vacation.  Got some package from home - 2 trousers and it fits me well.  I'm so happy that she is finally married. And yes i feel a bit envy. I guess its a normal feeling. Sigh!

Last week I had a great bargain from the jewelry shop. I bought his present for me.  I have gold set - heart shaped - earrings, necklace and a bracelet. Since it was closing time, i got a great price so I have some extra cash to keep or i'll buy a perfume.

It's the last week of January, another month starts. I haven't plan my vacation yet till I know when the house is ready. I think its gonna be 3rd or 4th quarter this year.  Wish il be coming home....

Wriiten today

This year started rough.  Day by day i condition myself to survive every freaking work day.  I do say my prayers every now and then, seeking for more strenght and graces to face situation as calmly and reasonable as i can.  I strive to have a positive outlook - that it's gonna be alright.

So what's the problem?  I am no longer with happy with the work.  Not the job but the environment.  Most especially dealing with an unappreciative and insulting boss who expects a top up performance with zero compensation.  Im tired with his regular litany of what we should do and how grateful we must be for paying us for the job and giving us the house allowance. Each day is a battle, waiting for target to launch at any time. No matter what we do, we are always wrong.

Sad to say I didn't get any luck with the applications. Though a company has called me several times for interview but unfortunately accepting the new job is the same as passing the needle's eye considering the labor situations here.  I do apply in nearby countries but not a single reply.  The prospect company faded like a dust.  I submitted my CV's to friends with networks but nothing yet.

A friend of mine said earlier, well its up to me to make the next move.  I just feel a bit trapped.  Still tied up with the financial difficulties. I have dependents who's counting on me every single month.  And my house hopefully be ready by this year.  It's so hard to risk.  Sometimes i really want to leave now, be back to my home and go back to the old job. Then i think of my life here, i still have a comfort zone of my relationship and my pet.  But are they really worth the price?

I have no assurance yet with him.  And we haven't talk the plan since we started.  It's almost 2 years from now.  I keep hearing myself that its a matter of time, things will fall into place. Or i say not now coz i still have more important priorities.  But in an emotional state, i wish i can count on this. And its me again,  can't face the truth now, no courage to ask nor hear the truth.

Wish i can start the leap but i couldn't see a firmer ground to step on.  I wish i'm brave enough to take a risk for a better life may unfold.  I wish for more patience to wait a sudden turnaround may happen and things will be fine. I wish i can make a change and there will be a change. It's awfully draining. I just want to be happy. Is this too much to ask? Don't i deserve it? Life's ups and downs.  This may be my only battle for now. Some people do have mountains of troubles.  I am always and truly grateful for what I have and what I have been through.  This is one of my many chapters that I have to face.  For every thing there is reason, I try to hold on to as much as I can.  I will just cry to let out a heavy feeling and such tears will turn into laughters the next day.  And most of all may I have a stronger faith, that someone up there will never leave me alone....

Written today

Last thursday was New Year's eve, after distributing workers' pay at Industrial area, we attended the New Year's eve mass at 730PM. Traffic was terrible after the mass, got stuck for 1 hr and a half. Back to the house for a quick change in outfit then headed for my beau's company party. It was a good decision to bring along my friend coz I have this "left-out syndrome" everytime i attend such parties.  We were assigned seats with the Filipino and Indian family whom, i knew them already.  The party was very traditional - their tradition. The greek dance, slicing of the pie (cake) at 12th midnight and what was spoken is their language. Main highlight was the raffle with big prizes - home theater, laptops, cameras, videos, mobile phones etc. He won a couple of prizes and also a mobile which he gave to me. I was hoping to get a laptop or a new cam. But nevertheless im happy with the new gadget since the old one has been severly used and its showing defects. We headed home at past 1am. The following day was a lazy day. It's finally 2010!

Back to normal...holidays are over. Am back to the main office. My officemate is back from vacation. Back to the usual work environment which i always dread.  The first few days of the work week was kinda rough. Had fights from the salespeople from the other showroom, boss insulted me the following day and the routine of dealing these people is such a negative element.  I followed the advise of my friend to say that everything is going to be alright. Be positive, which i always say but found it hard to do at that time and most of all to pray. And it worked during the midweek till the end.

Got to start a new week again. I have to prepare a positive and strong mindset. Im still holding on till I can. I made new online applications and i really hope this year would somehow bring me to a new career.